(while I was sick the last two or so weeks, I "doodled" my heart down on paper from time to time. this was the end collage of those thoughts...)
I’ve been told that as Christians, we are to long for heaven and the day that we see our Savior face to face. But most days, I don’t long for it like I should. Most days, I am quite happy here.
Today, however, is one of those days where I am tired. A pilgrim with a heavy pack and a long face. Out of breath. Sick.
I so want to be over me.
I’m always getting in my way.
I want to love God, but I want to love myself first. I want to do what’s right, but I want to do what’s convenient first. I want to think I’m not prideful, but oh… that sort of shows I am.
I tell myself that I am wise. But then my own folly strikes me in the face. I tell myself that I know all the answers. But then I trip and look around and realize I am lost.
The only comfort today is that He is still holding my hand. why is He still holding my hand?
The sun is flaring through my bedroom window. I’ve been sick the past few days. The biggest problem with being sick is that I have plenty of time to think. And the more I think, the more I remember that I am running a race. More like crawling a race. And the more I remember I am running a race, the more I realize how little I try. How often I fail. How quickly I forget, I’m Yours.
I think I can take matters into my own hands and fix them. I’ve spent my whole life thinking that. And God has spent my whole life showing me that I can’t. That I am completely in His hands.
When will I learn that His ways are better? When will I be rid of my silliness?
This journey seems so long. Mostly because it isn’t measured by days. But by minutes. Seconds. I can’t just make the daily choice to sacrifice myself to God. I have to make the minutely choice. And in the moment, it’s so much easier to cave into myself.
Especially in the shadows of the week. When I'm in the light and everyone can see me, it's easier to choose to be good. But when it's just me, I don't try as hard. When it's just my family, I don't want to be as nice. And I know it to be wrong. But I am in the shadows at that moment, and I don't seem to mind disappointing God as much as I mind disappointing others. And yet I do. I constantly shake off the dark and ask God, why do You put up with me? Don't give up on me.
Thankfully, God is patient. Thankfully, God is still holding my hand.
He doesn’t tell me I have to walk alone. And when I feel the most pain over myself, it is because He is slowly peeling the old me away.
Today I am not strong enough. Today I am not wise enough. Today I am not good enough. But God is.
Today I am limping down the track. But God is walking beside me, and not even noticing my slow pace.
I read this verse for the millionth time recently. And it came to life. He who is strong, gives me strength.
“Have you not known?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
His understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might He increases strength.
Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;
but they who wait for the Lord
shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.”
A friend reminded me of something amazing... God loves me with an everlasting, promised love.
Sounds crazy to have to be reminded, but yet, isn’t it easy to forget? Those times when you sit there staring at your reflection thinking about all your failures. Or the times you find yourself repenting yet again and wondering if it’s even possible to be forgiven anymore. Or even when you’re just sad… deeply sad. Or scared. Or lonely. Or confused. And you start to wonder if you’re loved. Or you start to worry that you’ve lost His love somehow.
Stop yourself at that moment. Just stop. Because thinking that your little self could keep the God of the Universe (the God who formed you in your mother’s womb and knows every hair on your head) from loving you… is silly. It’s actually ridiculous. Prideful almost. As if we could hinder God in any way.
Those who are His children, God sees through His Son. He sees us as His sons and daughters. And He promises that NOTHING will separate us from His love. In fact, He promises that NOBODY (not even ourselves) will separate us from His love.
“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?
in all these things
we are more than conquerors
through Him who loved us.
For I am sure that
neither death nor life,
nor angels nor rulers,
nor things present
nor things to come,
nor height nor depth,
nor anything else
IN ALL CREATION,
will be able to separate us
from the love of God
in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
(Romans 8:35, 37-39)
God’s love is bigger than my failures. God’s love casts my sin “as far as the east is from the west.” God’s love doesn’t keep telling me that I’m worthless… it keeps telling me that my worth is in Christ. That my purpose is in Him. That my song is His Gospel. And my life is His worship. That my thoughts are to be turned to the goal. And my feet as well. That my heart is for loving Him. For loving my neighbor. My hands are for building His Kingdom. My eyes are to be set on Him.
God’s love is everlasting. God’s love will see me through this life, and into the next. It doesn’t disappear. It doesn’t quiver. It doesn't give up on me. It doesn’t end.
My prayer today: “Make me more like You, Father. Let my reflection be Your love.”